getting older, maybe wiser .

i’m getting older, maybe wiser, unsure if i’ll find what i’ve been praying for. these feelings aren’t too familiar, i guess i’m not as young as i was before. maybe it’s irony. these stories i have been told, when you’re a child life isn’t too serious. please don’t be disingenuous of what’s in-store.

standing here beside a lie i have built myself, patiently waiting for the truth to prevail. 

i take two steps forward just to fall ten steps behind. 

my mind yells “is this what getting older feels like?”

perhaps it’s mistaken identity. the walls that have kept me safe for all these years don’t seem to have a say in these changes. maybe if they could talk they’d tell me not to be so pretentious. but why would they kick up a fuss, why make it harder for me to move on, to be someone they’ve never heard of.

the fog i’ve been inclosed in seems clearer now, the uncertainty is lifting somehow. however i can’t seem to digest these feelings of becoming someone new, growing apart from everything i thought i knew. maybe falling to my future comes with undying love and heartache. 

be careful with my hands, they shake.

i wish someone had told me i’ll make promises i won’t keep and whisper impractical prayers that carry trauma from recent years. now my old self and i are slowly becoming estranged, it’s a pity these new feelings of getting older are still so deranged. 

maybe there’ll be endless gratitude in my heart that i didn’t have before, fleeting experiences to be grateful for. but underneath the rose gold i’ll still wonder if i have gained anything at all. 

perhaps getting older, maybe wiser won’t be worth all the pain it caused.

~maysablogs