smartphones & dopamine.

under my pillow, beside my head. wedged between my thoughts that lay aching to rest. something so powerful yet so incomplete. it often steals my sleep, begs me to succumb to its flaws as it slowly becomes my joy’s thief. some days are better than others, except for the days where i hold it closely under the covers. a distraction from the sadness that looms in the air today, maybe for the validation i seek for in every picture i take or every sentence i say. living the same cycle since sixteen, constantly here breathing me. every vibration it speaks holds a memory, a feeling, a notion, words that i cannot seem to articulate face to face. maybe it’s the false perceptions and distorted realities that take a hold of me today, gripping my brain with both hands, telling me what to think and how to behave. i guess what i’m trying to say is that it’s my entire world wrapped up into one, this includes my social status, you know, if i ever did have one. it’s ironic how something can be so gentle and kind, yet simultaneously telling me to leave all my trauma behind. take it in the shower and have it play me a song, it’s sweet moments like these that make me forget it often does me so wrong. like a toxic relationship, it carries endless mental health risks. you know when all the conflicting emotions come to play, where one begins to drown from all the hearsay. i guess what i mean is that it’s always there for me, especially in times of need, the days where social media leaves me to bleed. it’s just a device they say, just something to shelter the pain, but it’s so much more to me, it’s my entire life carefully concealed. maybe i’m addicted to its power, maybe it’s too late to break free. but right now, as i hold it and write out a message, i know in a couple of minutes someone will pop up on the screen to comfort me. there’s one last thing i need to get off my chest, you know, before i tuck my restless thoughts into bed. i didn’t mean for it to be this way. i guess i’m tired of observing others through a disfigured lens, sick of the cancel culture, the random trends, all the artificial likes and fake friends. but i don’t really know how to let it go. tell me, how do i escape something, when that very thing is all i know? i reach for my headphones and plug them in, place one in my ear and i carefully listen to brent faiyaz sing.

~maysablogs