note no. 4271

i guess i’m used to saying  “i’m okay” but my feelings have become so heightened today. the lump in my throat grows more intense, as if my heart’s balancing on the edge of a window ledge, too broken to stay too scared to fall. see, i’ve been thinking less, about what is and what was but my mind’s become scattered and torn. a million thoughts racing, disordered consequences leave my emotions blazing, head aching, hands are shaking. wish i wasn’t breaking but here’s to always faking. the weight of the world on my shoulders and as days go by, the world seems to get heavier, body grows colder, feelings of trauma, over and over. i’m praying the peace, that my fingers once held onto, will tie its strings around my soul, making me whole again. i need it to soak up the blood from my wounds and filter the poison in my head. i just can’t seem to pin down when these conflicting voices caught on or where the violent rain came from. there’s no trigger no real reason to explain, not really being sad all the time. it’s more of an everlasting pain, where the smallest of things just blow up in proportion, my fears arise with dark circles screaming caution. i know God doesn’t burden a soul with more than it can bear but i feel like i’m avalanching into oblivion as i lay here. although there is chaos in my head, in my lungs and in my chest, i’m clinging onto my faith. i pray that God helps me find my way, and His mercy in my heart forever stays. i guess that is all for today. yes, there’s more i’d like to say, maybe i’ll write it down it for another exhausting day when my feelings are out of place. 

      ~maysablogs