my mental obliteration:

sleepless nights and blurred lines. before it heals, it going to hurt, right? lately, i’ve been floating through life. downing cups of coffee to burn time, staying awake just to feel alive. often, i find myself asking God why my heart doesn’t feel like mine, why the voices in my head are telling me to die. with every struggle, i’ll become stronger, right? maybe death is a question of yesterday and surviving is one to focus on today. forgive me God, i know i should’ve prayed, instead in this doubt i stayed, please make these suicidal thoughts go away. see, my trauma has its hands pressing against my chest, my body’s screaming in distress. its internal intrusion won’t let me rest. i long for somewhere to lay my head and forget the pains of my mental bloodshed. see, there’s this burning chaos inside of me which has ignited this fire in my mind that you see. i’m trying to let my conflicting emotions free, so patiently waiting for my ‘after hardship there is ease’. with my eyes closed, i see everything. less understanding, less thoughts, less mental confrontation, more feelings, more thoughts, more mental agitation. see, the venom of my physical exhaustion and mental obliteration slowly seeps its way into my skin, blindsided by its poison and consumed by its toxins, i’m somebody i’m forgetting to be. i’ve lost faith in what i see and how i feel. see, the writhing pain that’s circulating my veins, is now killing me. with my head in prostration, i try to let go but how do i bury something that i once called home? how do i escape something, when that very thing is all i know?

              ~maysablogs