grieving my past

at three years old dad left and i became stressed but you know i was wishing for the best in this test. i know i’m blessed but this stress has me obsessed, gradually becoming oppressed, always tired and depressed. now mum’s here on her own, i swear Lord i know she’s always felt alone, she’s constantly trying to make a broken house into a loving home, always knew this was never her fault, she had to manage for so many years all on her own. everyday i’m hiding inside my thoughts, oh Lord do you hear my moans, oh Lord are my worries known? i’m just a helpless soul with a helpless goal of trying to be whole but now my life is taking its toll, never felt like i was fully in control. all i want is to worry less and learn to control these thoughts in my head. see, my dad, he was never really there for me, remembered my mum said to tread carefully, truth be told he never did care for me, all he did was enrich fear for me, look all the pain just sits there for me, laughing at me so carelessly and i try to smile cheerfully, but my smile fades so wearily. blaming myself because it’s too much to bear for me, remember telling my 11 year old self, “don’t worry, you’ll get over this, hopefully.” now the good days have become so rare for me, and tough days i just prepare to see, still i’m glad i survived all these years to see, my mother sitting so happily, through all the pain she endured for me and i’ll love her ever so dearly because the truth became so clear to see, that i only needed her there for me. i only needed her tears to be, only needed her prayer to see, that so many others care for me and i have so much going for me. a broken girl became a strong woman, no longer hurting but now slowly healing, went from hiding inside my head to writing it all down instead, now that’s a change of a hand, a change of a plan. i was asked “is this the new you trying to escape the old you?”, sometimes my mind tries to drag me back to my past, see that was what i was used to but now i refuse to, continuously reminding myself  “don’t let the trauma of your past consume you.” 

                                                                                       ~maysablogs