honouring my growth.

introverted and shy. always the girl with her head tucked in a book, in the back of the room. slowly childhood awkwardness became extreme teenage anxiousness. never really did enjoy conversations or social situations. much preferred being at home in solitude but too often did it become loneliness. soon things became heavy, a constant feeling in my chest, hurting with every breath. more than just sad but a little below depressed. the panic attacks came in next, more so in class presentations and group projects. do i blame an absent father, who made me feel like i was not good enough and that i didn’t matter? maybe he was the reason for my trust issues in others or why i’d silently cry under the covers. listen to me carefully, although things at that age were hard for me, i had a beautiful mother who loved me dearly, she helped me see things more clearly. constantly cared for me even when i told her she didn’t need to be. always knew she prayed for me. but overtime things got a little more difficult for me, couldn’t handle school at all really, the anxiety consumed my mind and eventually the rest of me. yes, i had friends who were continuously there for me but they never really understood me completely. lost a few of them along the way. part of growing up they say, some people go and some people stay. guess i should have known that anyway. not only did friendships cause me stress, so did societal pressures and all the false expectations of success. constant fear of what was going to happen next. most of my teenage years spent living inside my own head, trying to search for some sort of remedy to cure the tune of childhood sadness and its melody. monthly counselling sessions arose next, my college days were not my best. i became my own worst enemy, committed numerous mental felonies. guess therapy highlighted that i really needed to be there for me, it was finally time for me to take care of me. soon there came university. they said here is where you’ll find yourself exactly where you’re meant to be. suddenly hit with a wave of anxiety, panic slowly strangling me. did they lie to me? maybe. but this time i refused to let the darkness defeat me, i told myself that i wouldn’t let it complete me. 

life didn’t really get easier for me. my outlook just became clearer you see, guess i learnt to deal with things better. learnt that time is pain’s greatest healer. there are days where my past comes back to haunt me and i cannot escape. sometimes my anxiety comes out to play. but this time i face all of my demons instead of hiding away. this time i continue to fight. learning to take it one day at a time. learning to leave my daddy issues behind. learning to try and to try and to try. now that i understand God does everything with good reason, either you were a blessing for me or a well learnt lesson. thankful to the friends and family who stuck by me through these exhausting times. grateful for my mother who never left me behind, who continuously stands by my side. i am learning to forgive myself and learning to let go. learning that it’s okay for my tears to show. learning to take care of mental health just so you know. i guess i am finally honouring my growth.

                              

                                                                                                                                                                                         ~ maysablogs